Silverweed School of Unusual Children
by Paene
Summary: Artemis' mother falls in love with the Harry Potter books and sends Artemis off to a new 'Hogwarty school' as his mother so insanely put it. Artemis is all alone, with only a bag full of clothes and gadgets, a horrible hoodie, and a bunch of hormones.
1. The Unusual Headmaster

Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis and friends but I DO own the plot! So stay away! Grrrrr...

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**Chapter One: The Unusual Headmaster**

**Ireland, Burgingshire, Silverweed school of unusual children**

Butler pulled the Bentley up the drive causing Artemis to catch his first glimpse of his new school. Silverweed school for unusual children loomed ahead of him, but Artemis didn't really care. He turned away from the school, studying the clothes on his body with disgust. A T-shirt, jeans and _Hoodie_.

_The shame._

He hated his mother for sending her off to some crackpot school. He felt like throwing up out of the window, he wanted to scream out with fury, he wanted to run away to a distant country, he wanted to order Butler to turn back, he wanted to turn back home right now and return to the comfort of his laptop and have a nice long chat with Holly. He did not wantto go to a school for 'unusual children', wearing a 'Hoodie' and looking 'Cool'. He did not want to spend a whole year correcting teachers' mistakes. It was a waste of time! He could much better things, much more creative things. He could go a design another Opera house, he could paint another Mona Lisa, he could compose another musical masterpiece, he could design a worldwide computer program, he could save the world as we know it, he could win the Olympics-

No actually, he couldn't win the _Olympics_. Yes, Butler had been training him, but he wasn't _that_ good.

Every genius must accept his flaws, as Artemis' father always repeated to him.

_Anyway_, he could be doing much better things than learning about acids and English literature. He wanted to go back home NOW.

But he couldn't, no, that would break his mothers' heart. He couldn't bare that. His mother had grown obsessed over the series 'Harry Potter' by J.K Rowling. So much in fact that she wanted to send her son to a school similar to the one situated in the series.

So Artemis was sent off to this 'Hogwarty type school' as his mother put it. Artemis loved his mother dearly, but this was _just too much._

Artemis sighed and turned back to the issue of his clothes, seeing as moaning about his mother would just cause misery. What on _earth_ was the point of a hood that didn't keep out the wind, let alone the rain? Or the trousers with over twelve pockets? Or the T-Shirt with some sort of writing that simply _could not_ be read or translated into any known language?

They were ridiculous, Absurd, Silly, Wacky, Balmy, Crazy, Harebrained, Insane, Loony, Potty, Preposterous, Unreasonable Et cetera.

Artemis missed his Armani clothes… His poor, poor Armani clothes… Artemis sighed. His shoes and tuxedo were probably being thrown into the fireplace that very moment…

His hair gel… he missed his hair gel too. All his black hair seemed to fall into his eyes without the substance. His poor hair gel was probably being squirted all over the guard dogs.

**_Damn you Juliet,_** Artemis thought, **_damn you and your 'Hoodies'_**

Artemis sighed again, gaining a puzzled gaze from Butler. Butler was lucky, his sister never made him wear 'Hoodies' or T-Shirts with unreadable letters or trousers with over twelve pockets.

Artemis had the odd urge to hit his head at the car glass, though he couldn't exactly understand why.

**_Probably a hormone thing,_** Artemis thought

"What do you think of the school?" Butler asked as they continued to drive along the dirt road.

"Excuse me?" Artemis asked

"The school, it can be seen from here"

Artemis' eyes followed the small dirt road. It was not at all grand, but the same could not be said for the school. Silverweed school of unusual children was a huge mansion. It probably had a grand view too, seeing as it was in the middle of the moors.

Artemis hated to admit that he was impressed.

"I hate these clothes" Artemis complained, changing the subject of the school, to Butler as they drove into the boarding school's car park, which was also a small thing rather similar to the dirt road.

Butler chuckled "You'd better get used to them Artemis. You've got nothing but those"

Artemis screamed in frustration, not bothering to be polite. Butler was closer to him than his mother; he had nothing to hide from him.

"Well, at least this school is decent" Artemis mumbled as the huge 5 storied mansion loomed in front of them "Though I can't see any 'unusual children' or 'wizards' as mother claims"

Butler chuckled again, and then stopped the car "Shall I help you with your bags or can you handle them yourself?" He asked, turning around to see Artemis properly.

Artemis had changed a lot in a year. After his constant workout by Butler, he had lost his geeky appearance and had gained a look of pure 'cuteness' and 'coolness', as Juliet had stated after horse riding with him. His hair was now a messy mop of black, which suited him well; he really didn't have any time to cut it. He was too busy stealing stolen paintings from thieves.

"I think I can manage to carry a backpack and a suitcase after the training you gave me, old friend" Artemis said, opening the door with one of his infamous smirks. He pulled his bags out from the back, and hauled them out. He smiled at Butler, giving him a nod and waved goodbye to him as he drove out of the 18 acres the school stood on.

Artemis let out a sigh, wondering how he was going to manage without Butler, and with his horrible Hoodie, but he made his way to the school all the same. His mother had told him to go to the headmasters' office first, which was round the back. Well, actually, everything was round the back. It seemed that the school liked to have a bit of privacy.

But Artemis' attention was directed to the calm, dirty blond haired boy that was walking past him, his head burrowed deep into a book: 'By The Light of the Moon'

Artemis stared at the boy as he walked by, wondering why he was so entranced by him. He was a simple thing. Artemis had no reason to find him so interesting.

He was going insane.

First, the urge to bang ones head against a window, second, an urge to speak to a complete stranger.

**_I must keep calm, this whole thing is probably from hormones or nerves and such_**, Artemis mumbled to himself.

Artemis walked pass the boy, muttering to himself until he walked right into a door. He opened it, walked through, and continued his muttering as he walked until he bumped into another door, and then another, and then another….

This continued for several minutes, in which he managed to walk into the headmasters' room by pure accident.

"Ah, Mr. Fowl, I've been expecting you"

Artemis stopped his muttering and lifted his head, realizing where he was.

The headmasters' room…

**_Great entrance O noble fowl,_** Artemis thought in shame, and quickly examined the room in case of booby traps and the sort.

Artemis gasped

Scenes' of the moors outside covered the walls, painted so realistically that he could have sworn he had seen a flock of storks fly out of the trees and into the sky. It was amazing, the best painting Artemis had ever seen. Better than The Fairy Thief, better than every masterpiece he had ever returned to the public. And this painting was on such a scale…

"Exquisite, isn't it? Most of the students adore it. Our Art teacher spends hours trying to copy it, she hasn't succeeded so far. She holds a competition every year to see who can make a decent copy" The voice said, causing Artemis to realize where he was and continue to analyze the room.

It was a plainly furnished room, which was rather disappointing. It held three or four cupboards, a Turkish carpet carefully laid in front of the mahogany desk where the headmaster sat. The headmaster was exactly like the room, plainly furnished. He was a handsome, middle aged man, his hair the same colour as the wooden chair he sat on. His eyes were blue, sparkling like a fresh water stream.

"I apologize Sir, for barging in. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going" Artemis said, knowing that Holly would have probably fainted if she had heard him apologize to a lowly teacher.

He half wished she was here, with him.

"Yes yes… That seems to happen a lot to our new students. Now, you know why you're here, I know why you're here, so we better get cracking, haven't we?" The professor said, smiling pleasantly "You are here to be sorted into your house, and given your class planner and an introduction to the school-"

Artemis nodded, sitting down opposite the teacher.

"So we'll start on the introduction. I am Professor Silver, headmaster of Silverweed school of unusual children, as you well know. My school was built as a mansion in 1823 and was turned into a school for Unusual Children in 1926. The children are sorted into four houses, like most British schools. The houses are named after mythical creatures. I'm sure your house mates will be happy to tell you about the creatures they are named after, but I'll start of with what the symbolize, shall I? Salamander is the house where people with courage and faith in themselves go, when Ibex is where the wise and learned end up. Pixies, I must say, are the more naughty ones, but they are very hardworking and very talented students. And last but not least is Falin, where the evil ones among us go" The headmaster continued in a matter-of-factly tone "Of course, no one is really evil. They are just misunderstood people; a lot of them have gone through a dark past" The headmaster paused "So, yes, anyway, I have to know a lot about the student in question before sorting them"

The headmaster pulled out a pile of papers from under his desk

"And I was surprised how much I could find about your family, a whole library worth of information, but extremely little about you. The only thing I could find about you was your criminal record"

Artemis smirked, knowing perfectly well what the professor was about to say

"And I was even more shocked to find it completely empty. You have apparently been a little angel all your life"

Artemis' smirk widened

"But when you reached the age of 6, your family fortune experienced a steady gain, even though there was no one in your family who was working"

"Your point is Sir?"

The headmaster leaned towards him

"My point is that you are not a little angel as your family and the rest of the world believes, but rather a little demon. Stealing from the age of six? Rather outrageous"

Artemis' smirk vanished

"You're cleverer than you appear Professor" Artemis said coldly

"Why, thank you Mr. Fowl" The headmaster said, smiling happily, then quickly continued "So I came to the conclusion that you were quite a clever person, for you seemed to have escaped from everything thrown at you, until you retired. The youngest and best criminal mastermind, retired at the age of 16-"

Artemis smiled; he was rather starting to like this man.

"Only to appear a month later, returning stolen masterpieces to museums around the world"

Artemis' gaze turned stone cold

"I'm afraid you have been mistaken Professor… Silver, was it? Yes, Professor Silver. I may be a thief, a proud one at that, but I am not the one who is returning those stolen masterpieces. The Fairy Thief was stolen out of my vault at midnight. I have nothing to do with the stolen painting, except for the fact that I stole most of them"

"You have nothing to hide from me, Mr. Fowl. I know things you know not, though I don't think I could have returned those paintings. How many have been returned now?"

"Exactly fifty" Artemis said before he could stop himself, and promptly hit his head against Professors desk.

"Really? I thought it was Forty Nine" The headmaster studied the newspaper on his desk, ignoring the fact that his student was hurting himself "Which page is the last painting on?"

Artemis sighed, lifting his head "Second page"

"Yes, I see it now" The professor said, starting to read the article, and continued to do so for another five minutes until Artemis spoke:

"Now that you have defeated me rather spectacularly sir, would you mind sorting me into my house?"

The headmaster raised his head from the newspaper "Didn't I tell you? Oh, I'm terribly sorry. My mind does wander a bit time to time"

"My house?" Artemis reminded him

"You are a Pixie; your class planner is on your lap"

Artemis stared at his lap, to see that a planner had appeared on his lap from out of no where. It was small, roughly the size of his hand and a calm leaf green. Artemis smiled, picking up the notebook and walking out of the room.

"Goodbye Professor"

"Yes yes, goodbye Artemis. I hope you have a good day ect. ect."

**_I will be having a good day sir,_** Artemis thought, _**a **very** good day**_

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Please review! I want to hear how crap I write people!

cough cough Anyway, I had a seriously hard time doing the houses. I swear, J.K Rowling must have really been a genius to plan out Hogwarts and everything, not that I based Silverweed on Hogwarts. Silverweed is based on my old School: Chayfn Grove school.

If anyone from Chayfn Grove is reading this, send me a email or a review or something! I miss Chayfn Grove like hell!


	2. A friend

I'm so sorry for not posting, this chapter was a bit hard to do, you know, with trying to get the feel of Holly and Foaly's personalities. I still think that I made them a bit out of character, I debated every single bit of their conversation to myself, all the way to wether to make them call Artemis by his given name, or by his surname, or by their annoying nicknames.

So, I'm sorry for making them out of character, if you have any suggestions on how to edit their conversation, I'm all open ears.

But anyway, down to the reviews…

YOU GUYS **_ACTUALLY _** REVIEWED! YOU REVIEWED!

I swear I'm going to burst into tears any second now! I never thought that anyone would bother to even read this crap story… Let alone tell me that it was _good_!

Well, anyway, here are my answers and comments to your reviews, if you sent them that is glares at the people who didn't review:

**Bundles-'o-joy**

Really? I'm funny?

Runs around screaming for joy

cough cough Anyway, I still can't believe that it was remotely funny, I tried so hard to add a bit of my humor into it, I had no idea that people would read it and laugh at it! No, scrap that, I had no idea people would read it!

Yep, he does find love, but it'll be obvious who it is. Though, just for note, Artemis isn't going to be gay in this fanfic (since that happens a lot in Artemis fanfics these days) don't get me wrong, I have nothing against gayness, so don't flame me ppl!

**Darkdranzer**

Well, actually, he doesn't have about ½ a library on him, he has ½ a library on his entire family. I checked before writing it. But anyway, you're totally right, I can't belive that Artemis would just accidentally tell him either, but I was so dearly hoping that no one would notice (actually, I had no idea anyone would read my fanfic) but you seem to clever for me. Are you sure you haven't got a I.Q of Artemis' ? Anyway, my excuse is that Artemis is very proud of his painting thing, so he just shows off at every opportunity without realizing.

I know, crap excuse.

Anyway, thank you sooo much for telling me that my story was _interesting_! Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!

**Miss Kilis Wale **Thank you soooooo much for reviewing, I'm again sorry for keeping you waiting with the new chapter, but I'm pretty sure that this one won't reach your expectations. It's not terribly good.

**M.C. Bella**Ooooo… I kept you waiting! Again, I'm sorry for the delayed chapter. I don't know if Artemis is cute in this chapter… I tried to make him a bit more serious, you know, more Artemis Fowl like. Tell me if you like how Artemis acted, if it's not cute enough I could always change it…

thinks of evil, humiliating things she can to Artemis Muhwawawawa!

**Azure-lupis **OMG! I read your fanfic, I never reviewed (I know, I'm evil, I'm so sorry) but it was brilliant, and sooo sad. Peter is terribly evil, and a scardy cat for not confessing. I hope Harry gets rid of him in the next book, or Remus. Remus is probably more fit for the job though, you know, wanting revenge and everything for killing his only, and best mates.

I know, Artemis turns out a pixie when he's spent a good lot of time trying to chase on down! I, myself, giggled about it every time I read that chapter. I'm glad I'm not the only person who finds it funny. I'll do a little bit on what Artemis thinks of being a Pixie just for you.

**Potestas** Thank you so much! My story isn't, you know, up with the n. 1 best Artemis Fowl fanfics, I doubt it's even in the first 1000… But anyway, Thank you, Thank you, and Thank yooouuu!

I swore? When? I don't recall saying the F-word or the S-word or even the female-dog-word. Do you mean 'damn' or 'bloody? I'm sorry if you didn't like my use of them, I use them on a daily basis and I guess Artemis (for he has the vocabulary of a fully grown adult) would too. I don't count them as swear words, so sorry, but my story is not complete without a few D and B words. I'll try to use them a bit less from now on though, see? This chapter has none! I think it does though…

Now, on with the crap show!

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**Chapter Two: A Friend**

_**Not**_

Yes, Artemis was definitely going to have a terrible day. Not only had he made a utter fool of himself in front of the schools headmaster, let his hormones go wacky _and_ been forced to wear a Hoodie (The utter shame) but he also bumped into another object while leaving the headmasters office.

_Especially_ when that object happened to be not a door, but the dirty blond haired boy he had taken such keen interest in while walking around the school.

The collision itself was caused due to fact that Artemis was too buried in his thoughts, and that the other boy was too interested in his book. Artemis, himself, had flown towards the ground, his backpack hitting noisily with the floor when the boy had fallen into a wall, his glasses and book flying well away from his reach.

"Sorry!" The boy started, rubbing his eyes and trying to spot his glasses "I've been in such a hurry so I haven't been paying attention to where I was going-"

"It's nothing, I've been crashing into many various things this morning, I'm getting quite used to it" Artemis replied in his soft clipped voice, brushing himself off and giving the boy his glasses, rather surprised at himself for not screaming at the idiot.

"Well, anyway, I'm Alexander Fox, but everyone calls me Foxy" He asked, carefully placing his glasses to his face.

"Artemis Fowl" Artemis shook Alex's hand, his face showing no emotion "A pleasure to meet you, Alexander" He said, ignoring his nickname.

At closer inspection Artemis realized that 'Foxy' did look rather like a fox. He didn't have a snout or fur, but his eyes gave off a sort of glint that showed a mad cunning and playfulness, the type you'd see in a playful fox cub.

"You're… Artemis?" Alex answered, gaping "Crap, you're the student who I was supposed to take to the headmasters office! I thought you were a **_girl_**! I spent about an hour looking around for a black haired, blue eyed girl!"

Artemis gave of a look of pure hate, not to anyone in particular "It seems that everyone has that impresson on first hearing, though I trust you, I am a male"

"Sorry mate, I had no idea. I've never met any Artemis's, and I knew Artemis was a goddess, so I put one and one together and guessed you were a girl" He said; though you could tell that he was laughing his head off inside.

"It's a unisex name!" Artemis said in forced calm, his teeth bared.

Alex seeing this quickly changed the subject of names "Anyway, I'm sorry for missing you. I swear, I didn't see anyone being dropped off _at all_."

Artemis gave off a vampiric smile, which rather startled Alex

"Maybe it was because you were _too busy reading books_?"

"You could say that" Alex said, rubbing the back of his head "Well, where was I? Yeah, I was supposed to show you around school too, till you get the hang of things"

"I _have_ got the 'hang' of things" Artemis answered, as if the very thought of him needing help was absurd.

"Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England" He said, and made a slight cough, as if preparing to start a speech

"You don't know where you are, let alone where your dorm is. You have no idea where your classes are, when they're supposed to start or who your teachers are. You don't know the students; you don't know how the school operates. You don't know the bullies and who to stay away from. You don't know when you're supposed to wake up, or which places are out of bounds. I, however, have been in this school since my first year and know every inch of it like the back of my hand. So, actually, you do need my help"

He said this all very quick, as if memorized.

Artemis paused for a second, opened his mouth, closed it, opened it and finally said "Why do I have the feeling that you've said that speech over two hundred times?"

"Thirty nine" Alex said, smiling cheekily

"I beg your pardon?" Artemis asked

"I've said it Thirty nine times, not two hundred. You're my Fortieth" Alex grinned "I usually show the new students around, so I'm used to dealing with stubborn students. The teachers think me best for the job" He replied, pausing as he picked his book "So are you coming or not, or do I have to kick you to obliviation to get you to follow me?"

Artemis smirked "I think I may tag along, this ride seems interesting"

"Good" Alex said walking across the corridor "Because I'm not that good at kicking people"

Artemis laughed, not a mean, evil, taunting laugh that made people like Holly want to kill him, but a sort bark like laughter that made the situation a bit less daunting.

Because Artemis had found a friend in this chaos adults called school, even though he hate to admit it.

**Police Plaza, Haven City, The Lower Elements**

Foaly sat in his mutated chair, his thick fingers flying across the Gnomish keyboard in front of him, his eyes glued to the screen, his brain taking in every single detail of the streaming wave of information flying across the screen.

Here he was at home.

Most mud-men wrote stories about Centaurs as folk who lived with nature, running about in meadows or living in peace in dense woods.

For Foaly peace was at neither of these places, it was here, in front of a nice big supercomputer, trying to help LEP with their new plans, even if that damn elf Sool kept annoying him at every possibility.

The giant viewscreen behind him crackled into life on the wall behind him, though Foaly did not look at it. He pressed the speaker button and started to speak in a boring, serious drawl.

"Foaly, technical consultant to the Lower Elements Police here, waiting for response"

"Hi Foaly, nice to see you good and running. Sool's been easy on you, has he?" Came the voice of Holly. Foaly instantly lost his serious tone, swiveling towards the screen

"No, actually, he's been an idiot, as usual" He sighed

"Well, no surprises there" Holly said, her mouth formed into a half smile "Now, about my call, I need a favor…"

"No one ever calls to say hello, do they?" Foaly said, his voice slightly disappointed

Holly laughed "You sound just like Fowl, he said the exact same words. But, anyway, I called to find out where he was, Fowl I mean. You have his coordinates, don't you?"

Foaly raised an eyebrow "And you want to know where he is because…..?"

"I need some help from him on our new case, and his communicator either not working or switched off. I need to know where he is" Holly replied

"So you need help from me to get help from Fowl?" Foaly said hopefully, grinning evilly

"Yes, Foaly, I need your help. Can you please give me the information?"

Foaly grinned, turning back to his computer and continuing writing.

"Well?" She said finally after a few minutes.

"Wait a second" Foaly clicked twice "There. Name, age, IQ, coordinates… everything's here"

"So, where is he?" Holly asked eagerly

"He's at _school_" Foaly sniggered

Holly gaped

"Fowl's at school? No… Is this some kind of sick joke, Foaly?"

"No, I swear on San D'Klass, it's bloody true" Foaly said, half laughing "Little Fowl has enrolled in Silverweed school of _unusual_ children"

"Perfect place for him, seeing as he's the most weirdest mud-boy in the history of the earth" Holly muttered, smiling evilly at the thought of blackmailing Artemis with this piece of imformation

"Give me the coordinates to the school, Foaly. I'll contact him myself"

Foaly shook his head

"Nice try Holly, but I can't let you go there. I'd loose my job, it's to risky"

Holly turned tone of red that would have made Root proud

"TOO RISKY?" exploded Holly, causing Foaly to wince "Honestly Foaly, WHEN HAS THAT EVER GOTTEN IN MY WAY? I'M PARTNERS WITH A KLEPTOMANIAC DWARF IN A DETECTIVE AGENCY! If that's not risky... Then what is?"

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're channeling Beetroots' spirit" Foaly said, brushing himself of with his hairy hands

"Anyway, Holly, we both know being partners with Mulch isn't risky. He may be a thief, but he won't steal from you… I don't know about me though…"

Foaly instantly swiveled around, as if expecting to see Mulch in the act of stealing.

"That's not the point Foaly" Holly said, shaking her head "I have to see Fowl, this is an important case… One that could effect the people. I'm surprised the LEP haven't dealt with it yet"

"Sool doesn't deal with anything unless the council tells him to" Foaly said with a sigh

"You get the picture, Foaly. I need to talk with Fowl, for the peoples' sake"

Foaly sighed

"Alright… But be warned, the school is populated by 267 students plus quite a few teachers, so if you get found out… We can't fix it. We barely have enough loyal LEP officers to put down a troll, let alone 267 _unusual_ mud-children"

"I'll be carefull, Foaly"

"Promise?"

"I promise"

"Good, I don't want to see you locked up, not after what happened with Opal and the LEP" Foaly winced, remembering the horror of thinking Holly dead.

"I'm sending you the coordinates to your old LEP helmet, you still have it, right?"

Holly nodded

Foaly turned back to his computer, typing down a series of commands on the keyboard.

"3… 2… 1… Alright, it's been sent. Send Fowl my greetings, Holly, and tell him to have a _wonderful_ time in his unusual school of his"

Holly grinned, and closed the link.

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I know this chapter is, you know, crappier than the last one but I did try a quite a bit. I'm just not good on writing about actual characters that already have a complicated (or not so complicated) personality. I'll try to stretch my abilities a bit further in the next chapter, and to do that I need to get a good idea on how the school works and do a map of it, I might post it here. Can you put pictures on the end of stories? Does anyone know?

Please answer my question, I'd like to put a nice map of the school here… And, Oh yeah, review!


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